Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
