This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
