The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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