just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
