can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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