My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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