I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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