the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize