What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
