You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
