please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
