We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
