Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
