She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
