Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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