Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
