so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
