His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
