Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
