It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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