Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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