pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
