We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
