So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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