remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize