You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize