I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
