allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
