I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
