At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
