Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
