I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
