I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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