My hand turned me down
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize