You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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