dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
