woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
