you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize