I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
