And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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