remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize