Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
