wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
