u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
