Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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