speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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