Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize