You're earring is so big in my mouth
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
