fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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