I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
