So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
