I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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