Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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