brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
