Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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