apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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