The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
